Female software engineer stands up to male coworkers, refuses to play Office Mom: 'Let the team fall apart'

Author image for Remy Millisky
Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Apr 14, 2026 11:15 AM EDT

Women aren't putting up with old-fashioned workplace expectations anymore

And thank goodness for that!

Workplace expectations are constantly evolving. There are your "official" tasks that you're expected to do for your job, there are the actual tasks you perform each day, and then there are often a bunch of tertiary tasks that workers are expected to do. These can be small things, like being the person who goes out and buys a card for someone's birthday, and then walks around the office getting everyone to sign that card. When a coworker finds out they're expecting a baby, someone's got to plan them a baby shower, and it probably won't be the men of the office. Or maybe they're expected to organize a big lunch on the day that the boss comes in to visit.

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  • Woman tries to work as a software engineer while ignoring her male coworker who acts pouty.
    via Guillaume Issaly

    Woman tries to work as a software engineer while ignoring her male coworker who acts pouty.

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Though these all seem like niceties, it can quickly become a real burden when the same person is doing these things all the time. And every time that woman goes out to buy a card for someone's birthday, and spends 40 minutes getting everyone else's signature, she's burning precious time that she could be spending doing her own work. Organizing lunches and parties are no small feats, either. There are often double standards at play here: men might never be expected to take on these duties, but women are side-eyed if they don't proactively take action to make these things happen. 

    For a long time, this emotional labor was just par for the course for women in the workplace. And that's just not fair. Women come to the office to do their assigned job, not babysit all the other workers. 

    However, some companies are pretty stuck in their ways, and without even realizing it, they enforce these old-fashioned mindsets. Just read about the way that this woman took a straightforward approach to the slow, ongoing creep of adding more and more of these duties to her workday.

  • I've hit my absolute breaking point today. I work in a male- dominated software team. I have the exact same title, the exact same technical responsibilities, and write the same complex code as the guys.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • But somehow, by virtue of being the only woman on the team, I have slowly been assigned all the invisible "glue work" that keeps this place running.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • If there is a massive architecture meeting, everyone looks at me to take the notes and send the follow-up
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • Software engineer discusses issue with her male coworker.
    via ThisisEngineering

    Software engineer discusses issue with her male coworker.

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • If a new junior developer joins, the guys put their noise- canceling headphones on and ignore them, so I am the one who has to patiently sit down and onboard them.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • If a team member is leaving, I am suddenly the one expected to organize the farewell card and collect money for the gift.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • None of this is in my job description. None of this gets me promoted. In fact, management just sees it as me "being a team player" while the guys get promoted for focusing 100% on their technical deliverables.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • So, today, I officially stopped. We had our sprint planning meeting this morning. The manager started talking and paused, waiting for me to open my laptop to take notes.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • I just sat there and looked back at him. An awkward silence. filled the room until one of the senior guys finally sighed and opened a Google Doc.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • Later, they asked who was organizing the team lunch for Friday. I said, "I'm swamped with my tickets, someone else will have to take the lead." Total panic.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • I am no longer doing the unpaid, unpromotable labor. I am here to write code and get paid.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • If the team's organization falls apart because the "office mom" went on strike, then management can figure it out.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • CanadianJediCouncil Good for you! About time these man-children had to grow the f up!
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • ZoroAster 713 As a guy it's kinda crazy how many men can't function without a mother figure in every situation.
    via Intelligent-Use7581

  • This is the exact reason why it's a fruitless endeavor

    Intelligent-Use7581 Original Poster's Reply Yes, i don't mind doing it but it doesn't get counted.
    via Intelligent-Use7581

    At a high-functioning workplace, the HR workers or an office manager handle this kind of thing! When employee's are expected to do it, it just adds stress and extra work to specific employees. 

  • thedance1910 Yeah, good for you. Expecting you to be the one taking notes as if you were the secretary as the only woman is kind of degrading. Let them figure it out.
    via thedance1910

    Presumably these guys are smart, right? They can figure it out!

  • Intelligent-Use7581 Original Poster's Reply Yeah i signed up for an Engineer notvSecretary!
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • chicagoantisocial Yesssssssssss yes yes yes love this for you please keep doing this, we have to fight back!!!! So many women just get given this extra work out of social expectation and we have to simply allow the awkwardness to wave over us and pass when we refuse to do it.
    via chicagoantisocial
  • Intelligent-Use 7581 Original Poster's Reply
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • 2buckbill Good! There's no need for you to shoulder all of that responsibility. My only suggestion is that if and when the guys start putting out the effort to help that you re- engage (let them sweat it for a bit on their own), in rotation, so that it would actually become a team effort.
    via 2buckbill
  • Intelligent-Use7581 Original Poster's Reply Yeah i am in no mood of spoon feeding them. They are smart and can figure things out
    via Intelligent-Use7581

  • I do agree with this person... there might be consequences to this

    IsabellaGalavant Be prepared to be talked to about your "attitude" and sudden "lack of team cohesion". But I love what you're doing!
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • thatblondeyouhate About 5 years ago I got 2 job offers, one was a higher offer than the other and closer to home, while the other was a little less with more of a journey. To this day, and especially after reading your post, I am so glad I went with my gut and turned down the higher offer. It was a role in a similar situation to yours, although they threw up loads of red flags during the interview and offer process like for one saying they needed an "Office Wendy" as in Peter Pan and the Lost Bo
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • Whispering Trouble Exactly 'degrading' is the right word. You're an engineer, not a social coordinator with a side of code. Let them learn.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • Beachfern Now I'm having flashbacks to when I shared an apartment with a group of pilots, all of whom were male except me. I was the only one who'd clean the d in bathroom. I tell ya, pigs do fly.
    via Intelligent-Use7581
  • Software engineer works at her desk with a laptop and 2 computer monitors.
    via ThisisEngineering

    Software engineer works at her desk with a laptop and 2 computer monitors.

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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